Total Refuge

Total Refuge
by Shanti Harkness

Sat Chit Ananda Guru Ki Jay.

Taking Total Refuge

God is Great. The Guru is Great. Greater still is the Guru’s Grace, Love, and Blessings. Kedarji has shared this utterance countless times over the years. I need to be reminded of this Truth because I get caught up in the attachments, attractions, aversions, limiting desires and cravings of mundane life… that is, until something happens that rocks my boat.

One of the teachings that Kedarji has been speaking about more and more lately is that of taking total refuge in the Guru. Kedarji and the great Saints of our Lineage tell us that when we take total refuge in the Guru, that we are protected by Guru’s Grace, and that Grace will provide for all of our needs. That doesn’t mean that all of our wants will be fulfilled—but that all of our needs will be met when we take total refuge in the Guru.

 The Tax Man Cometh

I had this teaching put to the test recently as I was completing my taxes for the year. Kedarji tells us that ALL tests are designed to drive us back to Oneness with God, and that the hurdle is the obstacle that makes us stronger.

Like I have done for the last 20 years, I began completing my taxes at home with a free software program online. I have done this every year without any problems. This year however, the program was telling me that I was going to owe more than 10 times what I had estimated, which I was monumentally unprepared to discover. I knew I was going to owe taxes because I had an increase in independent contract work (which doesn’t take out taxes), but ten times more seemed unfathomable and unrealistic and I started to lose my mind.

Not convinced I hadn’t made some catastrophic mistake, I tried entering my information into another tax prep software program that I’ve used before… but came to the same result. I was in disbelief and shock. That’s when this kriya took hold and I began crying and cursing and questioning what the heck was happening and how I was supposed to afford this. I couldn’t understand any of it, and I began spiraling out of control, worrying about how I was going to afford to come up with such a massive sum.

Reaching for Contraction

Rather than reaching for my spiritual practices, reaching for my 3-step dharana, or even reaching out to my Guru—I continued to allow myself to spiral and ride the rollercoaster of emotions that washed over me. I was scared and panicking. I was afraid of the financial hole I would be in and how I was supposed to make ends meet. I was afraid of what would happen if I got sick or my car needed repairs? I would no longer have any money banked to help me through. I was afraid about how – or even IF I would be able to make ends meet. I was lost and desperate and afraid.

In the midst of my fear, panic, and kriya, I should have reached out to my Guru, but I was afraid—afraid that he’d tell me that I couldn’t attend any of the retreats or courses until this was resolved—and I was afraid of how long that would take me. Instead of realizing that I was in the middle of a kriya and reaching for ANY of my spiritual practices, I decided to start drinking and binge-watching Netflix to distract my mind into thinking about literally anything else… this was an entirely useless reaction to a kriya. Kedarji tells us that we must take the Guru’s understandings over our own and that God takes the form of fear to drive us back to Oneness with the Self.

Embracing the Instruction

After taking a day to totally disconnect and refusing to face my kriya, I was reminded of Kedarji’s instruction to take total refuge in my Guru and my needs will always be met—maybe not my wants, but my needs will always be met. So, I thought, “Okay Guruji, I need your help. I lay this at your lotus feet, please help me, I can’t do this on my own.”

In order to take total refuge in my Guru, I had to surrender my contracted notions and beliefs that I am just this body, mind and senses, surrender the false belief that there is an outer world, surrender my fear, anxiety and uncertainty about my finances and future, and remind myself that God loves a grateful heart.

Having Faith

From that moment, I accepted that whatever happened, it would be alright. I had no idea how, but I had to trust that it would be. I had to accept that it may be difficult or uncomfortable and necessitate sacrifice, but I trusted that my Guru would help me through.

The next day, I was inspired to look up local tax professionals to help me make sure that my paperwork was accurate. By my Guru’s Grace, I learned that it in fact, was not accurate at all, and that there was significantly more paperwork involved that I was not aware of because of my work as an independent contractor. They also explained to me why my taxes were so high, which is something I wasn’t aware of.

The Power of Grace

The first tax professional I met with was able to get my owed taxes down an additional $2,000 from what I had come up with at home. It was a huge blessing of Grace, but it was still an extremely high tax bill. She offered to have her supervisor look over it to make sure that she didn’t miss anything, to which I immediately said yes, please!

The supervisor looked over my taxes and was able to bring it down an additional $700. The next day, I went back to the office to finalize and sign the paperwork. When I arrived, another supervisor looked everything over a final time as I sat there in front of him, inwardly repeating my mantra and thinking of my Guru.

As I sat there quietly waiting, I inwardly reminded myself that everything was going to be alright, that my Guru was taking care of my needs. I knew I was going to have to tighten the purse-strings, but I knew I would be alright because my Guru was making sure my needs were met.

Needs are Met

When the other supervisor finished looking over my taxes a final time, he informed me that he was able to bring it down an additional $600, and that they were giving me a $200 discount on the tax preparation fee for being a new customer! What Grace!

All in all, my final tax bill ended up being almost HALF of what I originally came up with! It’s still a lot, but I was able to get put on a payment plan, as well as revising my budget to be able to save enough for next year’s taxes without putting myself in a similar situation again next year. These were solutions I couldn’t even think of while in the midst of my kriya as I was refusing to reach for my Guru’s understandings and Grace.

The Risk-Ratio Test

Kedarji often reminds us about the risk-ratio test… to observe how we feel, our emotions and state of being, when we follow the Guru’s instructions and embrace the Highest Understandings, and what happens when we don’t.

For me, it was crystal clear. I was an absolute wreck when I wasn’t following the instruction to take total refuge in my Guru and to surrender all of my limiting and contracted notions and beliefs at my Guru’s feet. The moment that I embraced my Guru’s instruction to take total refuge in my Guru – even when I didn’t know what that would look like or what the outcome would be, everything shifted dramatically and instantly.

The Grace of Total Refuge

Instead of reaching for alcohol and distractions to take me further from the Truth and further from Grace, I was able to clearly see the difference that it made when reaching for my Guru’s teachings and Grace. One kept me contracted and searching for distraction and useless activities, while the other freed me and allowed me to experience a perceived challenge with Grace, strength, and faith that I am provided for by my Guru’s Grace, by God’s Grace.

In the midst of my kriya, I had no idea how I was going to address this issue. But by taking total refuge in my Guru, trusting that my needs would be taken care of, and surrendering my contracted notions and emotions, I was able to allow my Guru’s Grace to lift a great burden from my shoulders—an act of Grace that reminded me that everything—absolutely everything is better when I trust and take total refuge in my Guru.

Om Guru Om!

Shanti Harkness volunteers as the Secretary of The Bhakta School of Transformation. She sits on our Board of Directors and also volunteers as a certified staff teacher and program leader for Nityananda Shaktipat Yoga. She works in the marketing field.